So, You Found Love but You’re Separated by Oceans, Deserts and Mountains?
This is my life. As tragic as it may seem, it’s happening.
For 40 years of searching for the right one, I found mine and our physical moments together lasted about 3 months. We met online. It wasn’t Tinder but alike. At first, I was skeptical. You see, I have the tendency to be pulled towards dark skinned men. They turn me on and they’re sweet talkers.
Since I was on the app, he wasn’t the only one that I had agreed to meet up with. Of course, he first sent a voice note that got me extremely excited. I can still remember that voice. We did a video call too later and that was very mild before we decided to meet.
My first meeting with him, landed us in a cinema where I believe the film watched me more than I did it it. He was however ultra-focused on both, the film and me. It was romantic, a bit lusty but attentive. I was smitten by this Nigerian man who looked very much like a nerd with a tough body.
We shared a meal together after and he made sure I got into my car and drove home safely. He was a student who had overstayed his visa in my country and tutored for a living. So obviously he had an expired visa, illegally living in my country and claimed to know many scammers, because Nigerians in my country (and others) are labelled as scammers and criminals.
I was of course worried about this situation. I did tons of research and I asked for advice and opinions of others, yet somehow, my heart wanted more from him. However, due to my skepticism and the fact that I had just come out from a long-term abusive and traumatic relationship, I just decided to keep trying. I mean look for others.
This man was very persistent and gentle. He didn’t push. He was understanding. He was broke, but never had once did he asked for money during the time we were together. The traits of a scammer or so I thought. Until in one of my encounters through the apps went horribly wrong and the only person, I wanted to tell was him.
Despite the risk of him going out at night with the police roadblocks and so on, he wanted to be there for me. I didn’t let him at that time because I felt like I would be making a mistake to allow him to get too close. He called and texted a lot since. He has a legit hearing problem and sometimes I just can’t understand what he is saying too with his accent. Somehow, I found it adorable.
That was when I decided to just give this guy a chance. I informed my closest friends about him just to safeguard myself. Some of them was worried and some were optimistic. I started to let my guard down around him but cautious still. He knew I had nothing to offer and that my health wasn’t great. His only concern was who to call if anything happened to me while I’m with him. He cared for me. A whole lot.
The one trait of a scammer that he didn’t have was his willingness to meet my daughter and my friends. He adjusted well and like a total nerd, he wanted to do a lot of things, but he knew that I wasn’t up for all of it. He didn’t complain and just rolled with it. My friends adored him and my daughter, well she was still too young to understand the situation but did not protest.
He showed up for my events and he added to his income generation since he met me by selling brownies. My daughter loved those brownies and ate it daily. I helped him of course because he was putting in effort. We got closer and started to spend more time and nights together. We were getting serious.
I started to trust him more and sometimes I felt like he was hiding something from me. That made me scared and insecure. Little do I understand about men, is that when they are serious, they guard their ego even more. They want to do things on their own to proof that their worthy of your love and affection towards them.
He had one major problem. He wanted to marry me eventually, and he adored my daughter even more. He was somehow set that I was the one for him and he deleted all his social dating apps. I didn’t ask him to, and he got a little upset when he found out that I didn’t delete mine. It was funny to me.
But he knew that I wouldn’t marry him with his illegal status in my country and that it would be more difficult if we tried to push the odds. So, he decided to pay his fines and leave the country with the assurance to be able to return back in a few months.
We got to spend a whole day together before he left, and it was the saddest day of my life. I started crying and he started tearing too, but it was inevitable. We had to let go for a while. We wished we had more time together, but I respect his decision because I believed in what he wanted. I was willing.
So, in February 2019, he left for his country and I won’t lie, because my friend and I tracked his phone to make sure that he wasn’t still in the country. I didn’t send him to the airport because he said his friends would. I was so insecure then. Of course, I was wrong, and he was indeed in his hometown, but he needed time to settle down.
Once he did, our contact with each other was minimal. I was disappointed and was already feeling down with him not being around. It was a difficult time in my life. As weeks then months went by, he was getting frustrated too because he couldn’t get a new visa approved to come back to me. My friend and I both tried really hard to try and sort things out from our end but to no avail. He was undoubtedly stuck in his country and he hated it.
I hated it even more. It was hard enough to be apart and we knew that talking to each other daily would make things harder. He loved me too much to see me hurt.
He has a wonderful take on love and relationships. He is not the jealous type and despite feeling depressed with his own situation, he somehow felt the need to put me at ease. He told me that it will be okay for me to meet other people and do what I must. It won’t change how he feels about me and he remained confident that when he returns, we will be together again.
At this time, I was very fragile. With so many things going wrong, I was close to giving up. Truth is, I was upset that he had suggested for me to date other people first. I thought, wouldn’t he be worried if I fall in love with someone else?
He wasn’t afraid. He knew that when a person falls in love with another and know it in their hearts that they belong together, that nothing can change that. He believes in destiny and well, I wasn’t very strong. I started to look around but wasn’t hoping to find anyone.
Until I did. Another person walked straight into my life and took me on whirlwind romance. It moved so fast that it took my mind off so many hardships. Still, I couldn’t bear not telling him. So, I did. He was very understanding and still very much in love with me. I was confused with what I was feeling. For some reason, I felt like he will still be the one that my daughter and I will call home someday.
There I was with another person who was physically there, taking care of me through some tough times. Made me laugh and wiped my tears. It was all about me for that moment. It felt surreal.
It is very important to me that if anyone who wants to be a huge part of my life, must also accept the other great part of my life. My daughter. She is not an average kid. She’s been through a lot and she’s emotionally unstable. A child who has only her mother and never known a father is definitely possessive. If you come into her safe space, you have to let her feel that.
It wasn’t easy and eventually, this person who came in briefly, left. I cried my eyes out, tried to reconcile but really, all I wanted was to move on. It’s like I never really loved. It was meaningful but not enough.
I suppose I can call it a break-up. Sure, I miss this person very much and the fact that we ended in good terms, kept us still close to each other. I realized that while I poured myself to this person, I didn’t get the same in return. One guard was down but another wall was still standing tall. I wasn’t in love and he was right about destiny. I did however develop a wonderful friendship and companionship that could never be the home that I crave for.
Time apart gave me perspective on what I wanted in life and what I was willing to hang on to. I never stopped loving him and I couldn’t even if I tried. It was just distance and throughout what is now close to 2 years apart, my hope is still to call him my forever.
After all this time, we still have to wait another year for him to get his visa. Well, hopefully.
There is also the global pandemic that would make it difficult for us to meet anywhere else in the world. Money is also scarce. The point is that I’m ready to let fate bring us back together. I don’t care how long it takes because this time I’ll wait for love to find me. That love will be in abundance and enough to share with my daughter too. I believe it will in due time.
So, there is the distance and obstacles in our way. We don’t know how long it’ll be for. It doesn’t matter anymore. For the first time, I know how it feels to truly love and be loved. It’s a wonderful feeling even if for now, we’ll have only our own company. It’s okay because we have forever to look forward to. For this, I am blessed.
